Raising Your Spirited Child, 3rd
Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive,
Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic. By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Ed.D. William
Morrow. $17.99.
We live in an age when every
bug is a feature. Nothing is supposed to be “wrong” anymore, just “part of the
package.” OK, perhaps that is not entirely true when it comes to computers,
where the whole bug/feature debate has raged for years, but it is most
assuredly true when it comes to human beings. There is no such thing as
hyperactivity or over-intense inward focus in children anymore – instead there
is “spiritedness,” as in the title of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child.
On one level, this is a very
good thing. Growing up, in this or any age, is difficult enough for children
without their being typecast by other kids, adults, and “the system” of school
and healthcare. It is all too easy to dismiss a child when one can label him or
her “hyperactive” and prescribe Ritalin or some other psychoactive drug to tamp
things down. It is much harder to see the “spirited” personality as whole and
integrated in and of itself and to handle it accordingly. And parents of
children with this personality, however it may be labeled and however it may
manifest itself, need all the help they can get, as Kurcinka makes clear in the
latest edition of her well-thought-out book.
On the other hand, the
“spirited” label reeks of political correctness run amok, and hasn’t there
really been enough PC-ism already? It is very difficult to draw the line
between a child whose personality lies outside the norm in terms of intensity
and one who lies so far outside the
norm that some sort of medical intervention (through mental-health counseling
if not with drugs) really is indicated. But drawing such a line is extremely
important, because all the “mainstreaming” in the world will not help kids who
are genuinely hyperactive or severely withdrawn – nor will it help their
parents. And it is distinctly detrimental to other children who must interact
with a hyperactive child and who get less attentive treatment and less help
with their own needs because there is, after all, only so much time and effort
available to a given adult in a given day, and the “spirited” child takes up a
disproportionate amount of it.
Kurcinka’s generally
no-nonsense, well-considered approach does smack a bit too much of political
correctness – not for parents of “spirited” children, perhaps, but for parents
and kids who may encounter the “spirited” child or happen upon this book. The
underlying theme here is a kind of raising of self-esteem for “spirited” kids
and their families: “labels spoken and unspoken” can be deleterious, parents of
“spirited” kids must be “empowered” to redefine who they and their children are
in the face of a lack of understanding and empathy from others, and so on. Although
admirable for parents facing everyday life with “spirited” children, this
approach smacks a bit too much of entitlement to be fully comfortable for those
who do not have such children but must interact with the “spirited” ones.
Calling “spirited” children “more than normal” does not help matters: it tries
to counter others’ perception of there being something “wrong” with the
“spirited” child by denigrating “non-spirited” ones, and there is nothing
admirable about that.
Most of the book, though, is
better than this, thank goodness. Parents with “spirited” children really do
need a way to cope with a kind of manic-depressive everyday family dynamic, in
which the “spirited” child may deliver outsize joy one day and equally outsize
trouble the next (or even later on the same day). The most valuable part of
Kurcinka’s book is Part Two, “Working with Spirit,” whose 10 chapters deal in
some detail with intensity, meltdowns, persistence, sensitivity, distractibility,
adaptability and other major issues. Again and again, Kurcinka states, “As you
work to understand your spirited child, you also need to understand yourself,”
emphasizing the importance of knowing yourself in order to know and interact
with your child in the ways that will be most appropriate for your own health
and well-being. It is easy for a parent to forget to take care of himself or
herself in the everyday intensity of raising a “spirited” child, and Kurcinka’s
reminder that self-care matters as much as child care is important – even if
her comments on the importance of addressing your own needs do not always
connect with reality (it sounds fine to say adults should have uninterrupted
conversations and time for lovemaking, but between the press of work and the
intensity of child-rearing, which is even greater for “spirited” children than
for others, these good-sounding notions can easily turn into pipe dreams). Kurcinka’s
reminder that parents do not “make” their children “spirited” is welcome, and
her suggestion to reach out to relatives and friends for help is a good one,
provided that relatives live nearby and/or friends are close enough emotionally
and geographically to be brought into the family dynamic – again, the reality
of life may not be quite as neat as Kurcinka wants it to be.
Although not all the
suggestions and prescriptions in Raising
Your Spirited Child will be practical for all families, and some families
will be hard-put to implement any of them at all, one thing that Kurcinka urges
makes especially good sense. And that is to celebrate your child – not his or
her “differentness,” but the positive aspects of his or her outsize
personality. This is not necessarily easy – Kurcinka speaks at one point,
almost poetically, of “spirited” children who are “drenched in their
perceptions or fired by their intensity.” But it is important, perhaps even
more important in the case of “spirited” children than in others, that parents
accept their kids for who and what they are and provide them with a safe haven.
They will likely need it as they learn that people outside their families,
including adults as well as children, simply will not give them the levels of
attention and sufferance that Kurcinka says are important for “spirited”
children to have in order to reach their full potential and function within
society as they grow toward and into adulthood. “Establish Realistic
Expectations,” as one chapter subheading says – and those must include the
expectation that other people will not bend over backwards to accommodate the
special needs of “spirited” children, no matter how “PC” it may be to demand
that they do so. The strength of these children, like that of all young people,
must ultimately come from within – after being formed and guided by parents who
can provide them with much more time and special attention than the rest of the
world can or will.
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