Bay and Her Boys: Unexpected
Lessons I Learned as a (Single) Mom. By Bay Buchanan. Da Capo. $25.
You Are What You Wear: What Your
Clothes Reveal about You. By Jennifer Baumgartner, Psy.D. Da Capo. $16.
Bay Buchanan’s memoir
about raising her three sons is a classic example of a “celebrification of
ordinary life” book: it could have been written by just about any single mom,
with only a few words and the locations of events changed, but Buchanan got the
chance to create it because she is a former Treasurer of the United States and
a well-known conservative political strategist and commentator. This does not render her observations and
thought processes any less valid, but neither does it make them any more valid than those of people without
her “celebrity credentials.” Although family values usually associated with
conservative thinking (American style) lie at the heart of many of Buchanan’s
ideas, she really has little to say or suggest that any woman in a similar
situation will not have tried. The
target audience, clearly, is women (and perhaps some men) who know who Buchanan
is and like what she stands for politically and socially, and will therefore
want to know how she handles tasks of everyday parenting. Bay and
Her Boys is straightforwardly written and forthright in expression; there
is nothing startling or new in it, but it may be useful for single parents in
confirming that they are on the right track by their own standards if those
standards happen to parallel Buchanan’s.
“Kids need parents for a lot more than food, shelter and a trip to the
park,” Buchanan writes in one of many obvious remarks that some readers may
appreciate as affirmations. “Their mom
and dad are the anchors of their life, the cornerstones of their family. It is within this unit that kids are meant to
learn the lessons of life.” When the
“unit” contains only a single mom,
“compensate for no dad in the home,” says Buchanan, adding that in her case,
“Extended family, single-sex schools, and church are where I found amazing
people who willingly entered my kids’ lives and provided remarkable examples
for them.” She also urges single moms to
take the high road and give the kids a chance for a relationship with their
father: never let them think they were responsible for the divorce; do not
share details of the breakup with them; do not say bad things about their dad,
but go out of your way to tell them positive stories about him; and let them
see their father as often as possible.
Buchanan tells the tale of her own divorce in brief and in what seems to
be a sanitized form, and gives her now-grown boys – Billy, Tommy and Stuart,
especially Stuart – space to tell stories about their upbringing in their own
words. Most of these, with minor
modifications, could be the tales of any family – about testing limits,
handling school, and dealing with rules: “Don’t change your rules to conform to
the latest fashions, cultural trends, or the advice of others,” Buchanan
writes. “They aren’t responsible for your children – you are.” Fortified by her own family background – she
was raised a staunch Catholic, the seventh of nine children – Buchanan seems to
have had little trouble establishing and enforcing moderately strict rules for
her boys. And she was extremely
fortunate that none of them had significant medical or social issues, and were
able (this was one of her rules) to take up a musical instrument and play a
sport every year, even if reluctantly and not always with much success. Yes, there were incidents of shyness, of
misbehavior, of teenage shenanigans (mild ones: one of Buchanan’s rules was
“absolutely no dating before age 16”); but by and large, when Buchanan writes
that “my boys brought out the best in me,” she sounds sincere – and she clearly
brought out the best in them in a variety of ways. Her approach will be too rigid and dogmatic
for some parents, and too heavily focused on organized religion: “In high
school I made them go to church outings and youth camps in the summer as well
as seminary during the school year – a religion class held at 6 a.m. on
weekdays.” And her insistence that there
is a single “right path” for raising children could become grating to readers
not familiar with her politics. But that
is exactly the point of Bay and Her Boys:
it is likely to be read only by people who share enough of her worldview so
that they will nod approvingly, time and again, at what she has to say.
A more-complex book
about a more-superficial subject, You Are
What You Wear is clinical psychologist Jennifer Baumgartner’s attempt to
explain the rationale behind women’s wardrobe choices, shopping patterns and
clothes preferences in general. Using
nine simplified and easily understandable case histories (actually composites),
Baumgartner presents “the psychology of dress” in an entertaining fashion that
is not quite as revelatory as she seems to consider it to be. “When You Buy More Than You Need,” for
example, discusses “emotional shopping” and the possibility of “compulsive
buying disorder.” To deal with this,
Baumgartner – after acknowledging that “clothes are pieces of art on hangars” –
suggests shopping without a wallet, putting items on hold so you can decide
which ones you really need, disabling automatic-fill-out accounts at online
merchants so you must laboriously enter information before making any purchase
(giving you time to think about whether you really want to buy something), and
so on. “People read our outside to see
who we are on the inside,” writes Baumgartner in one of many
non-revelations. But this leads many
women to choose clothing that projects images of who they want to be, not who
they actually are. So, if you do not
dress your age, it may be because “in our culture, ‘old’ is associated with
becoming irrelevant and unattractive.”
The approach for women trying to dress in clothing that is too young for
them, says Baumgartner, is to know who you are, determine who you want to be,
accept where you are chronologically, then update favorite items and learn
fashion by watching what other women your age – especially ones you admire –
are wearing. Obviously, this
prescription goes far beyond choosing more-flattering or more-appropriate
clothes, since it requires a level of self-knowledge and self-understanding that
may not be easy to obtain; and Baumgartner gives little guidance on getting to
that level. Still, her basic approach –
which is, boiled down to its essence, to think
about your clothes and be mindful of what they say and why you buy and wear
them – is worthwhile. “We become our own
billboards, sometimes literally,” she writes in a chapter on “When You Are
Covered in Labels” – but the observation applies in general. The women (or composite women) profiled by
Baumgartner tend to make her points for her rather too neatly – for instance,
in the “labels” chapter, Baumgartner asks Mary what she would do if she had all
the money in the world, and Mary promptly responds, “‘Well, if I had all the
money in the world, I wouldn’t need logos. …[They make] me feel like I am
somebody. I want to look like I am successful.’” Baumgartner does a good, if often rather
obvious, job of analyzing what different forms of clothing say about the women
wearing them, and her positive reinforcement will be appreciated by women who
genuinely want to change their look: “Your outfit will always work when it is
chosen for the best version of you.” You Are What You Wear may not really be
revelatory, but it may be thought-provoking for women who have not considered
just why they buy and wear particular clothes, and it can at least nudge those
who are unhappy with their look toward taking some steps to improve it.
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