Raising the Transgender Child: A
Complete Guide for Parents, Families & Caregivers. By Michelle Angelo,
Ph.D., and Alisa Bowman. Seal Press. $17.
Depending on how you look at
statistics and whose statistics you believe, there are very few transgender
people in the United States – or there are lots and lots. A June 2016 study by
the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law put the percentage of
transgender adults in the nation at 0.6%, twice what the same institute
estimated in 2011. That is a very tiny percentage. It is a smaller percentage
than the estimated prevalence of pedophiles (1% to 2%) or, for that matter, the
estimated percentage of Americans who own rabbits (1%) or keep saltwater fish as
pets (1.5%). On the other hand, 0.6% is not a very small number, because the United States has a population of some 320
million, so 0.6% equals about 2,000,000 people. How many of them are children?
No one really knows – but certainly some
children are transgender, and even if the total statistics paint a
difficult-to-pin-down picture, there is no doubt that having a transgender
child requires a set of parenting skills quite different from the ones most
parents have or expect to need.
Raising the Transgender Child attempts to provide those skills –
while bending over so far to be politically correct and sensitive that even its
well-meaning recommendations must be taken with a large helping of caveats. Michelle Angelo specializes in
working with transgender youth, and Alisa Bowman is a transgender advocate who
has a transgender child herself, so both have the bona fides for this book. They also share a determination to
normalize being transgender when it is patently not statistically normal –
which does not mean it is abnormal,
just that the designation does not apply to about 99.4% of the population. It
is no insult to state forthrightly that being transgender is very rare, even
though it is a state of being that is shared with millions of others. But
Angelo and Bowman are determined to use faddish words such as “cisgender” to
equate the rare with the far, far more common (asserting that some people just happen
to be cisgender, while some just happen to be transgender); and they are
equally determined to assert that everyone is wonderful in his or her own way:
“Sure, most of the time…you’ll end up with a straight cisgender person. Some of
the time, however, you get a beautiful variation, perhaps someone with male
organs (penis and testes) who identifies as a female, is attracted to women,
and prefers to present herself in masculine attire; female organs (ovaries,
vagina, breasts, etc.) who identifies as both genders (male and female), is
attracted to men, and dresses in androgynous fashions; [or] ambiguous genitalia
(neither completely male nor female) who identifies as male, is attracted to
everyone, and sometimes presents as masculine, other times as feminine.”
It is 100% necessary to
accept the 100% inclusiveness of the authors in order to benefit from their
recommendations, because everything they say is couched in the same sort of
everything-is-equal language. It is also necessary to accept the authors’
tendency to downplay or handle dismissively many of the concerns expressed –
rightly or wrongly – by the 99.4% of the population that is not transgender.
This sometimes leads to convoluted logic. There is, for example, the hot-button
issue of allowing transgender children to use bathrooms based on the sex with
which they identify rather than based on their sexual organs. Angelo and Bowman
will not acknowledge any reason whatsoever for people to be the slightest bit
concerned about this matter. They say, for instance, that giving transgender students
a private bathroom is not a good idea because those bathrooms “in some schools,
require students to descend or climb several flights of stairs and cover a
great distance. Often, they’re just not convenient.” In addition, “forcing any student to use a separate bathroom
invades their privacy.” But this is
just after they write, regarding those who are not transgender, that “any child
who feels uncomfortable in a bathroom or locker room has the right to use a
private accommodation, such as a single stall bathroom in the nurse’s office.”
In other words, non-transgender
students who are uncomfortable should use bathrooms that are far away and “just
not convenient.” On the face of it, this discrimination against the
non-transgendered majority – even when backed up by references to legal
requirements and threats of lawsuits – is unseemly, however well-intended.
Raising the Transgender Child is, in fact, well-intended
throughout. “There is nothing wrong with your child or with you,” the authors
assert early and, in one form or another, repeatedly. This is an excellent and
important point. And Angelo and Bowman show considerable sensitivity to areas
that are of major concern to parents of all children, such as dating and sex.
Their objective, as one chapter subhead has it, is to show parents “how to raise
a happy, well-adjusted child,” and this is a valiant and difficult goal where
transgender children are concerned. But how do parents even know that a child
is transgender? This is in many ways the
question for parents considering whether to buy this book; and the authors,
commendably, try to deal with it early on, in a chapter on “seven signs your
child may be transgender.” But none of the “signs” is really definitive, and
all are couched in that “perfect PC” miasma of stretched language, such as,
“Your child presents in a way that is not congruent with the gender assigned at
birth.” “Is not congruent?” Is this a geometry lesson? And “assigned at birth?”
What, as homework? The authors spend so much time tripping over themselves
trying to be perfectly PC in their thoughts and expressions that they miss the
plain-spokenness that, it can be argued, parents of possibly transgender
children need more than anything. Still, there are precious few guides
available to deal with this significant family trauma – even Angelo and Bowman
agree that discovering that a child is transgender throws parents for a loop in
major ways. And although there are many flaws in Raising the Transgender Child, wholehearted devotion to the cause
encapsulated in the book’s title is not one of them. Parents who suspect they
may have a transgender child – or who know a family with a transgender child
and want to understand that family better – will find this a valuable starting
point, even if it is scarcely as complete a guide to the many issues that
families in this situation will have to face as its subtitle makes it out to
be.
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